Chronic
I think it's time to admit that I have some kind of chronic pain. I'm either in pain or on acetaminophen pretty much constantly. If I'm on my feet too long, in a chair too long, or in the car too long, whatever it is gets angry. I make it worse when I exercise, and I make it worse when I'm sedentary.
Oh my gosh. Typing that out makes me want to cry.
I feel like I'm in despair over it right now. I don't want to believe in the frailty of humans; I want to believe that I am and can be strong, and that I'm capable of ever-greater feats. I'm from farm folk! As we pretty much all are, if you go far enough back! But I'm not finding that strength and resiliency to be true.
I stretch. I apply ice. I apply heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. One heating pad at work, one at home, both routinely used. I pay for monthly massages. They're great, but after doing that for 8 years, I know they're only holding the pain at bay. I'm definitely not healing.
I REFUSE to be a person limited by my body. I REFUSE to say, no, I can't drive down to church at Chestertown, because I pay for it the whole afternoon and next day. I'm generally willing to look silly or unusual in order to take care of myself, but I don't really like that everyone at work knows it's not unusual for me to be plugged in and wrapped in a heating pad on a regular basis. That's WEIRD. I don't know anyone else who does that.
Now, it's not going to kill me. Not directly. And for that, I am grateful. There are friends and acquaintances dealing with very serious illnesses indeed, some not just chronic, but terminal. I recognize the difference.
I wonder if this is why I'm not a mother. Would pregnancy do me in? Could I handle it? Is God sparing me from pain unanticipated?
So now, after feeling like the shin splints have finally healed, I'm realizing that I have developed plantar fasciitis, undoubtedly related to the shin splints and running. Damn. I tried so hard to train wisely for that race. It just all fell apart at the end, and I didn't have the skill to know how to address my body reaching its limit just as I was asking it to perform.
Tonight, I utterly regret running that half marathon. I hope I won't tomorrow, but tonight I hate that medal on the wall. I waver between longing for my renewed body in Christ's new kingdom, and a wave of determination rising up in me that I WILL OVERCOME and will NOT be a 21st century American statistic.
Thankfully, THANKFULLY, I believe the shin splints and plantar fasciitis will heal. I have no idea what will become of my back. I sense now, a few years after my weight-loss journey began, that this back injury will significantly limit my ability to make my body what I want it to be. If every day I can only operate at 90% function, can only work out at 90%, can only get 90% of the sleep I need and intend to get (hi, 1 am!), over time those few degrees will have a huge impact on how far from the target my arrow lands.
Thankfully (again), these aren't the things that matter. The things that matter are things of God, and doing my best with the skin I'm in is just a sign of where my heart is in relation to God, how much I love him, how tight of a hold the Holy Spirit has on me, how successful I am being at doing the good works created for me to do.
I think I need to talk to my doctor and make sure a full diagnosis is explored. I'm not sure I can make it a financial priority to pay out of pocket for chiropractic care like I have in the past, but it seems likely and reasonable that I could get some PT that could begin to address what the what is going on in there.
Actually, what I really want is a miraculous healing. I know people experience them. I know Chris Thompson lives them out in his ministry with regularity. I want to be able to have that experience of going to a place, in faith, and speaking a word to demonstrate that faith, and experience a supernaturally, divinely controlled change.
I guess we all do, and most of us don't experience it, but I know God can and does work that way sometimes. Seems like maybe, with all the other unanswered prayers, this could be a win for me. I'll be praying about healing, though - I can do that easily every night, in bed, laying on my heating pad.
Oh my gosh. Typing that out makes me want to cry.
I feel like I'm in despair over it right now. I don't want to believe in the frailty of humans; I want to believe that I am and can be strong, and that I'm capable of ever-greater feats. I'm from farm folk! As we pretty much all are, if you go far enough back! But I'm not finding that strength and resiliency to be true.
I stretch. I apply ice. I apply heat. Heat. Heat. Heat. One heating pad at work, one at home, both routinely used. I pay for monthly massages. They're great, but after doing that for 8 years, I know they're only holding the pain at bay. I'm definitely not healing.
I REFUSE to be a person limited by my body. I REFUSE to say, no, I can't drive down to church at Chestertown, because I pay for it the whole afternoon and next day. I'm generally willing to look silly or unusual in order to take care of myself, but I don't really like that everyone at work knows it's not unusual for me to be plugged in and wrapped in a heating pad on a regular basis. That's WEIRD. I don't know anyone else who does that.
Now, it's not going to kill me. Not directly. And for that, I am grateful. There are friends and acquaintances dealing with very serious illnesses indeed, some not just chronic, but terminal. I recognize the difference.
I wonder if this is why I'm not a mother. Would pregnancy do me in? Could I handle it? Is God sparing me from pain unanticipated?
So now, after feeling like the shin splints have finally healed, I'm realizing that I have developed plantar fasciitis, undoubtedly related to the shin splints and running. Damn. I tried so hard to train wisely for that race. It just all fell apart at the end, and I didn't have the skill to know how to address my body reaching its limit just as I was asking it to perform.
Tonight, I utterly regret running that half marathon. I hope I won't tomorrow, but tonight I hate that medal on the wall. I waver between longing for my renewed body in Christ's new kingdom, and a wave of determination rising up in me that I WILL OVERCOME and will NOT be a 21st century American statistic.
Thankfully, THANKFULLY, I believe the shin splints and plantar fasciitis will heal. I have no idea what will become of my back. I sense now, a few years after my weight-loss journey began, that this back injury will significantly limit my ability to make my body what I want it to be. If every day I can only operate at 90% function, can only work out at 90%, can only get 90% of the sleep I need and intend to get (hi, 1 am!), over time those few degrees will have a huge impact on how far from the target my arrow lands.
Thankfully (again), these aren't the things that matter. The things that matter are things of God, and doing my best with the skin I'm in is just a sign of where my heart is in relation to God, how much I love him, how tight of a hold the Holy Spirit has on me, how successful I am being at doing the good works created for me to do.
I think I need to talk to my doctor and make sure a full diagnosis is explored. I'm not sure I can make it a financial priority to pay out of pocket for chiropractic care like I have in the past, but it seems likely and reasonable that I could get some PT that could begin to address what the what is going on in there.
Actually, what I really want is a miraculous healing. I know people experience them. I know Chris Thompson lives them out in his ministry with regularity. I want to be able to have that experience of going to a place, in faith, and speaking a word to demonstrate that faith, and experience a supernaturally, divinely controlled change.
I guess we all do, and most of us don't experience it, but I know God can and does work that way sometimes. Seems like maybe, with all the other unanswered prayers, this could be a win for me. I'll be praying about healing, though - I can do that easily every night, in bed, laying on my heating pad.
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